Dear James Pt. 2

Dear James, 

It’s been about a month. I thought I’d be over you leaving by now. Not completely, obviously, but I didn’t think the thought of you would still bring tears to my eyes. I listened to a song about death on the back of a motorbike in the rain. My tears blended perfectly into the world you’re no longer a part of. Last week my phone ran out of storage. I went to make some more room and saw our WhatsApp conversation was taking up some of the most space. I shouldn’t have clicked on our conversation. I had to leave my friends to cry like a little bitch. You probably would have made fun of me and then followed up with wise words to make me feel better like you used to. 

I’m afraid, James. Your death made me face that I too could leave before my time. Before my dreams and desires come to fruition. Before I manifest the goals that I feel are so close, yet so far. It taught me a lot though. Be so at peace with what I’ve created, that if I joined you today, wherever the fuck you are, I’d be happy with what I’ve done. To be fair, I am happy with what I’ve done, but feel like there’s so much more I need to do. I wanted some of those moments to be with you. 

I’m reminded by you constantly. This time last year, we were hanging out every day together. It’s rainy season. Remember how we got stuck in that down pour in the middle of nowhere and we had to pull over in some shed until it passed? Where was that? Phong Nha? Ninh Binh? You would know, but I don’t think I ever will.

I’ve seen a stupid amount of things on Facebook I’ve wanted to share with you. Should I send them anyways? Would you know I’m sending them? Do you know I’m writing this now? A sign would be pretty dope. You used to make fun of me for that kind of “slang”. Did you know that my catchphrase is “tragic” and all my friends know it? They don’t all know it’s because of you. 

I see the tchotchke you gave me every day. It hasn’t left my bedside table since I got it. That was so selfless of you. I wish I told you how much that meant to me. I have a gift I was planning to give you next time you visited. What should I do with it now? 

Now that you’re gone, I’m stuck with a lot of questions that can’t be answered. I’m forced to think more about the meaning of this thing called life, and to be honest, I don’t know what to make of it anymore. Life was better with you in it. I guess that’s the goal. To leave life making the world better having been a part of it. Rest in Paradise, James. 

Does This Movement Matter?

Does this movement matter? Um duh, but clickbait is a thing. That said, this may be one of the hardest blog posts I’ve ever written. Mind you, I’ve published blog posts about my biggest fears and insecurities, put people on blast, exposed my sex life and addictions, and posted a blog about my relapse just days after. Then, why is this so difficult? 

I’ve always been an open person. When it comes to talking about me, I have no shortage of things to say. However, what’s going on in the US right now, being a white privileged female, living in Vietnam, feels so far from me. I want to know what to say, but I don’t. My heart hurts for the world and the people of color who have so many obstacles in our society, but I could never claim to understand what they’re going through. In the past when riots like this in my country broke out, I stayed silent because I felt my voice wouldn’t make a difference. I hid and took advantage of my white privilege by closing my eyes and ears to the truth that our society was and still is so fucked. 

Don’t think so? In 2018, the median income for an African American household was $41,361 U.S. dollars compared to $70,642 for non-Hispanic white households. About 40% of homelessness in the U.S. is African American even though they only make up 13% of the population, and the poverty rate is 20.8%, which is more than double the poverty rate  for white people. (8.1%) We haven’t even started talking about racism. 78% of African Americans think they’re being treated unfairly and 15.8% of black students in the US reported experiencing race-based bullying or harassment.

Black lives matter. But why talk about it if what I say won’t really make a difference? Because that’s only what I thought, but what I thought may not be true. That goes for us all. It’s so easy to think we can’t make a difference. “Who am I to make the world better?” “There’s no hope.” “This will end soon enough without my help.” etc. There are millions of copouts as to why we don’t need to speak up or act out. Deep down though, we know it feels wrong to be complacent because we’re lying to ourselves when we say we can’t make a difference. I’m not telling you to go climb the Empire State Building, and cause a scene. Our actions don’t have to be big or acknowledged by the masses to make a difference. More simple acts of kindness can make an impactful change. 

I will never forget September 11th for many reasons, but one being what happened to my mother that morning. She was in a grocery store parking lot on 9/11. She noticed a man of color, in torn and worn-out clothes, looking distraught. He looked homeless. She could have easily looked the other way to go about her business and get her shopping done. Instead, she asked if he was okay. He told her that his son worked on the 98th floor of the first tower that fell. He tried contacting him all morning but hadn’t heard back. Needless to say, his son’s life was likely lost that day. For the next ten minutes, my mother and this stranger embraced, crying into each others arms. 

Imagine how much that man needed soneone’s support in that moment. Not to mention, how that one act of kindness stuck with me nearly 20 years later. Shit, that made me feel old. Anyways, you get the point. Show up and show your support in whatever way you can because you can make a difference. Black lives matter, and what you do to support their lives matters too. 

From Ho-ing It Up To Glow Up

When I was a kid, I was the “problem child”. My parents had my sister and thought “What a wonderful experience. Let’s have another.” Then they had me and said… “So, what’s the return policy?” After I had my Emo phase. I painted my nails black, and wore only black clothes, with zippers everywhere. I’m pretty sure that’s when saying the word cringe became a thing, and I don’t think that was a coincidence. Then, I had my Californian, yogi, vegan stage, and you know I’m not vegan anymore because otherwise that would have been the first thing I said. Lastly, as of November, I entered a new phase. I fucked everybody. It was my hoe phase.

However, today is the day a new phase begins. I had an epiphany while talking about relationships with my friend this evening. In an instant, I was inspired to change my ho-ish tendencies. Not because I thought what I was doing was wrong or no longer enjoyable, but because I’ve had my fun, and I am ready to have fun in new ways. I’ve had so many great experiences, met incredible people, and shared a lot of special, intimate moments over the past several months. I’ve learned a lot, and even made friends for life. Yes, it is true that changing my ways will mean those types of experiences and connections will occur less, but I’ll tell you what benefits I think will come with this change. 

By making this shift, I will have the ability to put more energy and focus on my passions and hobbies. The newfound energy that I put towards projects and people, will allow me to experience new opportunities, ideas, and feelings. It will open me up in ways I wouldn’t have been able to before. The “What did he mean by that?” “If I ignore him long enough, will he get the hint?“ “What kind of psychopath tells me not to get attached, and the same night says he’s “Catching feelings”?” “Jesus Christ, another phone call? Is he going to ask me to come over and wipe his ass next?” “I think I’ve been friend zoned…. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen clearing out the fridge with my face.” moments will be much less frequent.

Overall, the good has certainly outweighed the bad. I wouldn’t be surprised if I miss this phase. I’m also concerned doing this could cause feelings of loneliness and have me craving for the kind of attention I’ve been used to getting.

Yet, whether change feels good or bad, it moves us forward. It helps us learn, grow, and create new momentum to help us evolve. Success comes from moving out of comfort zones, regardless of how we feel about it or what happens at first.

I would never want to take back anything that’s happened. The epiphany for change didn’t come about due to a negative experience. I just know it’s time to move on so I can level up and create more for myself. All I can do is move forward with confidence as I begin this new chapter, titled Glow Up Phase. Time to go from hoe to glow.

What’s your next phase?  

I’m On The Edge

My bare toes grip the ledge of a rocky cliff, on the top of a precipice that goes beyond the clouds. I stare before me at what looks like death, but it’s where life really begins. The edge of comfort.
For the record, that’s where it feels like I am. If you thought I was legitimately staring at death and decided to whip out a notepad to write about it, you probably have been in quarantine so long that you’re seeing out of your left ear. The edge I’m on is one of new epiphanies, opportunities, and transformation. The world is my oyster, and while the possibilities are endless and exciting, the uncertainty of it all creates a pressure to overcome.
With everything going on in the world today, I think it’s safe to say we are we all on the edge. The main difference is how we choose to view it. I’m not here preaching as though I’m levitating on the edge like some chosen one who spent years meditating in the Himalayan mountains. I will say though, that I’ve been on the edge of comfort so many times that I’ve noticed the fear decreases more each time. Fear turns to trust, hope, and excitement. You discover ways to think and cope to help you sail through rough waters with more ease. There is the occasional phone call to my dad freaking out about life, but I have to let it out somewhere, right?
The world collectively is going through a challenging shift, but this is an incredible opportunity the embrace the edge you’re on personally, and trust that your life has an inexplicable way of working itself out. Although it’s more difficult for someone who has a mental illness than a trust fund baby who doesn’t have access to the media, these situations give us all a chance to grow in some way. It could be as simple as finding a podcast that inspires and motivates you.
Success does not mean finding a cure for Coronavirus. Success is improvement on the edge, and you get to decide what that looks like for you. How will you embrace the edge?

The Coronavirus in Southeast Asia

(Update: I was ignorant at the time)

If you haven’t heard about the Coronavirus, you might as well stop reading because I don’t have time to lift up the gigantic rock that you’ve been living under. The Coronavirus has been Fox News’s latest obsession. I go back and forth whether I should be scrubbing my hands as fiercely and frequently as mom constantly tells me, or press an elevator button before eating a sandwich without thinking twice. That said, regardless of whether or not there will be a large outbreak in SE Asia at some point, the lives around me now are being directly effected by the Coronavirus anyways.

Most of my friends are expats who teach English in Vietnam. Tet, the Lunar New Year, was a 10 day celebration where school was out and they were not paid. Not even a week later and every school in Vietnam shut down, and has been for the past two weeks to prevent an outbreak. That’s nearly a month of no pay for 90% of the expats living in Vietnam, and this will likely continue. My friend, who pinches pennies like the lead in “2 Broke Girls”, has been as emotional as one of the women in “The Real Housewives” after they try to make amends with someone over dinner, and ends with broken wine glasses on the floor.

Expats are not the only ones hurting. The government has been shutting down hundreds of local businesses. Thousands of people are losing money and opportunities. The police are even on the hunt for everyone in the country from China, and regardless of how long they’ve been here, they put them in the back of their trucks like animals and quarantine them for 14 days. A girl from China has been in Vietnam for months, and this week she’s been hiding out like Ann Frank because they’re looking for her. The song that instantly comes to mind is “This shit is bananas b a n a n a s!”

They’ve built several hospitals throughout Vietnam in preparation for this outbreak. I think that’s a wonderful way to be proactive. Yet, when it comes to other things they’re doing such as caging up humans like animals against their will just because of their race, and having no form of compensation for thousands of people, I’m like… Yo bro, can you chill?

WAIT. I understand with such little notice, only so much can be done. I get that first and foremost this must be contained rather than simply having what we need for when it comes. I do appreciate their thoroughness and care to contain the Coronavirus, but could their be another way to move through this without creating such detriment and chaos to the entire country? Keep in mind we have just about as many ill here as we do with other countries like Germany and the US.

I’m very open to the fact that I might be so ignorant about this. They’re very well could be people reading this and thinking “This bitch is an ignorant millennial that thinks things will be solved with positive vibes and some hand sanitizer.” I’m just speaking my mind based off of my experiences and conversations that have led me to this point writing you all now. All of which has me question “Is there another way?” I don’t think hand sanitizer and positive vibes are going to be enough to solve this, but I hope something does quickly so they find a way to get this country up and running again.