Addiction: Old Habits Die Hard

Today marks year 8 since I left a rehabilitation center for eating disorders. That’s not to say it’s all been smooth sailing since. In fact, at times the waters have been rockier than Chris Brown and Rihanna’s relationship.

The past few months, I’ve been having the time of my life. I have an incredible group of friends, I’m making money, having fun, and blah blah blah. Yet, unbeknownst to the world, there was still an internal struggle with my old friend ED. (Eating Disorder) Although I haven’t “relapsed” as many would say, I have certainly regressed in terms of my behaviors, feelings, and thinking.

I look at ED as some abusive ex partner that continues to slide back into my DMs. It’s like ED can see my glow up, and can’t resist swooping back in. ED sends out a message, and I ignorantly open the new inbox notification that says… “I miss you.” I want to respond with a poop emoji but next thing you know a heart has been sent and we’re talking till 2AM. 

It’s clear to me that these moments come when something within me is out of alignment. Regardless of how good life is, when I feel too much uncertainty, or a lack of trust in myself or life… *knock knock knock* Here comes ED with his never ending list of food suggestions and criticisms to “help” and control me. Can you blame me for feeling like life has had a fair amount of uncertainty these days? #2020 #isthisreallyhappening

Eating disorders are all about control, so this is my sick and twisted way to cope with the lack of control I feel in my own life. Then, this coping mechanism turns into a habit, and if I’m not careful, a relapse.

It goes a little something like… “You know you want to try that cookie. Go for it. Treat yo’self! You should finish them. Thick is the new fit so I’ve heard.” … “Can’t believe how much you ate. You’re going to be able to feed a Mormon family with the amount of rolls you’re going to have on you tomorrow. You better find a meal to skip soon.”

More often than not, it’s quite counter productive as you can imagine. I end up feeling like Gollum without a ring, but much fatter. (I don’t know why I write so many references from The Lord Of The Rings when I haven’t even seen all of the movies.)

Do I worry about relapsing in the future? I’d be lying if I said no. Heck, I worried today at the vegan buffet. That said, I refuse to let ED win. ED has ruined relationships of mine, and nearly took my life. Yet ED has also taught me some of my most valuable lessons and insights. I do not hate ED. In fact, I love ED for all of the strength and growth it has given me, but I also do not want ED to be an active part of my life again. 

I’m here to say It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to regrettably respond to a DM every once in a while. You learn from it all. Just make sure you don’t take the loser back completely.

 

Dear James Pt. 2

Dear James, 

It’s been about a month. I thought I’d be over you leaving by now. Not completely, obviously, but I didn’t think the thought of you would still bring tears to my eyes. I listened to a song about death on the back of a motorbike in the rain. My tears blended perfectly into the world you’re no longer a part of. Last week my phone ran out of storage. I went to make some more room and saw our WhatsApp conversation was taking up some of the most space. I shouldn’t have clicked on our conversation. I had to leave my friends to cry like a little bitch. You probably would have made fun of me and then followed up with wise words to make me feel better like you used to. 

I’m afraid, James. Your death made me face that I too could leave before my time. Before my dreams and desires come to fruition. Before I manifest the goals that I feel are so close, yet so far. It taught me a lot though. Be so at peace with what I’ve created, that if I joined you today, wherever the fuck you are, I’d be happy with what I’ve done. To be fair, I am happy with what I’ve done, but feel like there’s so much more I need to do. I wanted some of those moments to be with you. 

I’m reminded by you constantly. This time last year, we were hanging out every day together. It’s rainy season. Remember how we got stuck in that down pour in the middle of nowhere and we had to pull over in some shed until it passed? Where was that? Phong Nha? Ninh Binh? You would know, but I don’t think I ever will.

I’ve seen a stupid amount of things on Facebook I’ve wanted to share with you. Should I send them anyways? Would you know I’m sending them? Do you know I’m writing this now? A sign would be pretty dope. You used to make fun of me for that kind of “slang”. Did you know that my catchphrase is “tragic” and all my friends know it? They don’t all know it’s because of you. 

I see the tchotchke you gave me every day. It hasn’t left my bedside table since I got it. That was so selfless of you. I wish I told you how much that meant to me. I have a gift I was planning to give you next time you visited. What should I do with it now? 

Now that you’re gone, I’m stuck with a lot of questions that can’t be answered. I’m forced to think more about the meaning of this thing called life, and to be honest, I don’t know what to make of it anymore. Life was better with you in it. I guess that’s the goal. To leave life making the world better having been a part of it. Rest in Paradise, James. 

The Devil Wears Lululemon

Whatever we’re wearing, the devil wears too. There’s a devil out there that’s created by you! 

Hold back the tears, and don’t be sad. Being a devil doesn’t have to be bad.

The reason the devil is something you fear, is because you’ve pushed away a part of you that is so dear. 

Don’t worry if you are a bit confused, because I still have some more explaining to do.

I will show you an example that will make things clear, and prove that the devil doesn’t have to stay here…

I was feeling as single as a dollar bill, and felt a huge void that I needed to fill.

“Why am I still so down and alone, why can’t I find true love with a hot guy to bone?”

The Devil was at it again in my mind, giving me lots of problems to find.

“Something must be wrong with me, I can’t find a man. what am I doing wrong, I don’t  understand!”

I thought once I was loved I would feel complete, and there was something within me I’d first have to defeat.

Once again the devil was back to work, and I was being driven completely berserk! 

Nothing is broken or needs to be defeated, when I accept the darkest parts of me, I’ll realize I’ve always been completed.

I was rejecting the part of me that felt unloved and undesired, rather than asking that part of me what it required.

All it was seeking was self acceptance and compassion. Was I listening to some devil just because I liked her fashion?

When you push away a part of you that wants to be accepted, you create a large void and you will feel rejected.

It feels like rejection because that’s what it is. The devil feeds off that shit and comes across as a wiz. 

Don’t feed the Devil whether it wears sweats or shoes by Kanye West. Give the true you some love because you deserve the very best. 

Emotionally Unavailable Man Magnet

Have you ever wondered why you’re in another situationship/relationship/fling with a guy who has the maturity or emotional intelligence of a fetus? Or, perhaps you continue to date someone who is controlling or manipulative. Whatever the case may be, I can relate when it comes to attracting a similar type of person. I’d like to introduce myself. Hello, I’m Emotionally Unavailable Man Magnet.

Currently, my crush is emotionally unavailable for a plethora of reasons, but I think the fact that he has a girlfriend is a good place to start. My last crush had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship with the love of his life who left him for another girl. I think it’s safe to say he had some kinks to iron out. I could go on for eons but you get the point.

A few months ago, I was talking to a fellow human being, (I was going to say friend, but that would have been a lie.) when he unexpectedly read me faster than Harry Potter back in 1998. I felt naked, and although I’m pretty sure I literally was at the time, I’m speaking figuratively. 

Why? Well, somehow we got on the topic of relationships. After he spoke of his past love/ trainreck of an ex fiancé back when he was 18, I mentioned how I’d never been in love. That’s when the reading glasses came on. He took a drag of his cigarette from my bedroom porch before he spoke.

“You probably started to fall for someone back when you were like 15, and before anything could actually happen, he hurt you, and now you never let yourself go that far because you don’t want to get hurt again.” I sat at the edge of my bed with my mouth wide open. He smirked like he just spoiled the ending of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince without my consent. 

Instantly, my mind was flooded with thoughts and memories that made my heart ache. I began to ruminate about the boy I liked when I was 15, and how that became the catalyst for self harm and a suicide attempt. I also questioned if that connection could possibly still be affecting me over a decade later. To be honest, it wouldn’t have been the first time I asked myself that. I started to regret swiping right on this dude that was now pouring himself another drink while I sat in a state of inner turmoil. 

I began to ask myself, is the reason I crush on emotionally unavailable men because I unconsciously feel safer from harm? Is that why I tend to attract those experiences? Could going down this rabbit hole solve anything? The answer to the latter is possibly, but why not tell myself a new story instead? Maybe that was true, but that was then and this is now. Now, I don’t need a magic potion or wand to start shifting my perspective on life and love. It won’t be as easy as saying “Wingardiujm Leviosa!” but acknowledging that it is safe for me to be open to love, and more importantly, paying attention to my passions and projects rather than penis, will steer me in the right direction.

It’s time to tell ourselves the stories we want to read. I’m throwing away that old emotionally unavailable man magnet tale. I am a magnet for personal development and opportunities for positive change. I’d like to reintroduce myself. Hello, I’m Brooke Lyn Landon, and I’m a magnet for forward movement, and continuously creating a life of fulfillment.

To The Guy Who Called Me A C#nt

Everyone at some point has been in a situation that was perceived as hurtful, disrespectful, or aggravating. However, the experiences that seem terrible to others, could be an opportunity to give you one more reason to smile. At least that’s what happened to me.

I had just arrived at my friend’s house for game/movie night and pizza. Shortly after, I received a message from a guy who I will refer to as “irrelevant”. He asked me what I was up to and I told him my plans, to which he said. 

“When are the games over?”

“When I feel like going to bed. Haha” I replied. 

If that wasn’t enough of a hint that I didn’t plan to meet up with him that night, I don’t know what is, but things escalated quickly from there. He sent me a voice memo about how he’s been “going through some shit” in his personal life lately, and wanted to take out his frustrations on me… sexually. Then, he proceeded to tell me what that would entail.

I had no problem with him saying any of that. If anything, his words made me blush and smile, while simultaneously giving me a mild panic attack that someone may have overheard. It’s what came after I told him that he wouldn’t be seeing me later, that had my friends gagging. 

Read for yourself…

I have no intentions on speaking to him again, even though he reached out to apologize the following day. However, my initial reaction after reading his texts, was a grin from ear to ear. Why? Because first of all, who says that? It’s pretty hilarious how stupid he is. More importantly, I’m at a point in life where I so strongly know my worth, that not even for a second did his words make me feel that I was missing out in any way, or was inferior to him or anyone else. The pizza alone will probably give me more of an orgasm than he ever could, so there was 100% nothing lost on my end.

I can’t even fathom what this would have done to me back in college. I probably would have responded to his apology faster than my heart raced when I thought someone overheard irrelevant saying what he wanted to do to me. I imagine receiving those texts back then would have negatively impacted what turned out to be an incredible night.

That situation was validation that my self worth, though not perfect, is stronger and higher than it’s ever been. The way I handled everything showed me that I no longer feed into people or situations that don’t add enough value to my life. It gave me an opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come. Experiences that can easily be perceived as negative, tend to be the ones that will shed more light on the positive if you know where to put your focus. 

So, to the guy who called me a cunt… Looks like you’ll have to go fuck yourself now.

Passing My Prime

Have you ever had a moment where you’ve felt you passed your prime? Maybe you wanted to run that marathon, but ever since you’ve reached your late 20’s, each day your body has increasingly resembled Benjamin Button at birth. Or, perhaps you’ve been fearful about the day those hot college kids next door would no longer see you as desirable? Asking for a friend… Well, I had my moment yesterday.

I was probably shoveling something in my mouth I’d regret later, as I finished up Sunday dinner with my friends. Prior to cleaning the leftovers off the table with my face, I talked about my passions for writing, and standup comedy. “Why don’t you try TikTok?” my friend said. I glared through his lenses, into his eyes, like he was about to take the last pastry on the table. Me? Nearly 29-year-old me, downloading an app saturated with girls so tiny, it looks like I just ate them for dinner? Watching my video after theirs would be like a “Then and now” clip of Macauley Culkin.

Thanks, but I’ll pass, was my initial thought. Why? Because my thoughts were telling me I’m too old for that. I’ve passed my prime and I should consider picking up embroidery and invest in a nice rocking chair. It’s just some teenybopper trend and I have better ways to spend my time. Maybe I will adopt a bunch of cats or learn to bake banana bread instead. 

I caught myself in the act of self destruction disguised as protection. Who says I’ve passed my prime? Who says TikTok couldn’t be an avenue for me to express my creativity and learn new skills? No, I’m not talking about dance skills. I will continue to leave that for the teenyboppers. 

Truth is, I haven’t passed my prime. I might have to come to terms with my metabolism working against me at this point, but on every other level, mental, spiritual, etc., I’ve never been stronger. Every day I am more prepared for the next. Every month I learn new things. Every year I become better and wiser. 

The best has yet to come. It’s a mindset more than anything. The future is uncertain, but malleable. You can choose if your life becomes a five star romantic comedy, or a box office bomb. I almost want to cringe because I might as well be holding a sign that says “Live, Laugh, Love” with a Starbucks Frappuccino in the other hand, but I’m not wrong. 

My dad is nearly 70 and has never been more successful in his career. He’s one of the happiest guys I know. His motto? “I’m excellent and better all the time.” Speaking of cringy… But hey, whatever works! My friend’s dad is nearly a decade younger, and has created a permanent indentation in the couch while he counts down the minutes until he can retire from the job he hates. His motto is probably “You smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.” Pretty sure he thinks he passed his prime in High school. 

The moral of this post is that wherever you are, you haven’t past your prime. You are at your prime because you’ve never known more than you do in this moment. Don’t waste your prime telling yourself that where you are isn’t good enough, or can’t take you to where you want to go. Time will continue to “tik” until it’s out, so remember you’re in your prime and make the most of it. Give this a like if you’re at your prime too! 

If you haven’t guessed, I made a TikTok account, so make me happy and add @brookelynlandon 

From Ho-ing It Up To Glow Up

When I was a kid, I was the “problem child”. My parents had my sister and thought “What a wonderful experience. Let’s have another.” Then they had me and said… “So, what’s the return policy?” After I had my Emo phase. I painted my nails black, and wore only black clothes, with zippers everywhere. I’m pretty sure that’s when saying the word cringe became a thing, and I don’t think that was a coincidence. Then, I had my Californian, yogi, vegan stage, and you know I’m not vegan anymore because otherwise that would have been the first thing I said. Lastly, as of November, I entered a new phase. I fucked everybody. It was my hoe phase.

However, today is the day a new phase begins. I had an epiphany while talking about relationships with my friend this evening. In an instant, I was inspired to change my ho-ish tendencies. Not because I thought what I was doing was wrong or no longer enjoyable, but because I’ve had my fun, and I am ready to have fun in new ways. I’ve had so many great experiences, met incredible people, and shared a lot of special, intimate moments over the past several months. I’ve learned a lot, and even made friends for life. Yes, it is true that changing my ways will mean those types of experiences and connections will occur less, but I’ll tell you what benefits I think will come with this change. 

By making this shift, I will have the ability to put more energy and focus on my passions and hobbies. The newfound energy that I put towards projects and people, will allow me to experience new opportunities, ideas, and feelings. It will open me up in ways I wouldn’t have been able to before. The “What did he mean by that?” “If I ignore him long enough, will he get the hint?“ “What kind of psychopath tells me not to get attached, and the same night says he’s “Catching feelings”?” “Jesus Christ, another phone call? Is he going to ask me to come over and wipe his ass next?” “I think I’ve been friend zoned…. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen clearing out the fridge with my face.” moments will be much less frequent.

Overall, the good has certainly outweighed the bad. I wouldn’t be surprised if I miss this phase. I’m also concerned doing this could cause feelings of loneliness and have me craving for the kind of attention I’ve been used to getting.

Yet, whether change feels good or bad, it moves us forward. It helps us learn, grow, and create new momentum to help us evolve. Success comes from moving out of comfort zones, regardless of how we feel about it or what happens at first.

I would never want to take back anything that’s happened. The epiphany for change didn’t come about due to a negative experience. I just know it’s time to move on so I can level up and create more for myself. All I can do is move forward with confidence as I begin this new chapter, titled Glow Up Phase. Time to go from hoe to glow.

What’s your next phase?  

His Death Taught Me How To Live

It was the Summer of 2011, and I had just turned 20. I totally dated myself, but I was trying to set the mood. My friend was having a big Fourth of July party in Ohio, her hometown. I flew out for the occasion, and to spend the week with her during summer break. I had no idea I’d also be spending the week with someone else who would change the way I lived my life.

My friend invited others over one night to hangout, smoke weed, drink, and do all of the typical college kid shenanigans. One by one, her friends started to arrive. I heard a knock at the door, and that’s where this all began.

He was wearing an eye-catching red shirt, but that’s not what caught my eye. That gorgeous face, beautiful blonde hair, stunning smile, the 6ft something hunk who looked like he just stepped off the runway. That’s what I noticed. He was shy and soft spoken like he didn’t own a mirror.

I don’t even remember our first conversation. Fast forward into the night, and we were sitting alone on the rooftop, stargazing while talking about life. I felt it coming. A peaceful moment of silence as I saw the twinkles of the stars reflect in his hazel green eyes. He leaned in for a kiss. It felt like I just reached the flag pole on an epic level of Super Mario Brothers after trying to win all day. Success.

He lost his virginity to me that night. We laughed, talked, and cuddled until the sun had risen and the birds began to chirp. We spent several more fun filled days together until my time in Ohio was up. This is where it starts to get complicated.

For over a month, we texted everyday. Sometimes FaceTime. At the end of the summer, we made plans for me to fly out one more time to see him before the new school year began. Once I booked the ticket, the talking became less frequent, and I felt us becoming distant. Still, with my head in the clouds, I got on the flight.

It wasn’t the same. Some silences were awkward, and there were feelings of detachment on both ends. Still, we made the best of it.

With school approaching, I went back to pack. We may have had one or two more brief conversations before I found out he blocked me. You read that right. Not ghosted, blocked. I was livid, hurt, and genuinely shocked. Worst of all, that was the Summer “Now You’re Just Somebody That I Used to Know” became a #1 hit, and I wanted to puke every time it came on the radio.

I’m not some crazy psycho bitch. There were genuinely no arguments had, or obvious reasons at the time, as to why he would’ve blocked me with no explanation. My less evolved 20 year old self decided to send him a Facebook message. I spewed all my sadness and anger towards him. Ending with, “Pathetic dude.”

Three years go by with no contact. Three years go by and my friend from Ohio, now living in Manhattan as well, called me one morning while I was in my apartment. She told me he, the guy from my never forgotten Summer romance, was found dead the night before in his NYC apartment just a 15 minute walk away from me. She asked if I could help her clear out his apartment, as she’d been a friend of his and his family all of her life.

I was speechless. I was overcome with feelings of guilt knowing that the last words I said was “Pathetic dude.” I even used to think about reaching out to make amends from time to time before my ego would get in the way. Obviously my time to reach out, ran out. Yes, there are some other relationships in my life that have not ended perfectly, but for the most part, there has been some type of closure and I’ve made peace with it. The way that ended, I hadn’t come to terms with. 

His death taught me how to live. It taught me that I should never leave a relationship unsettled. It showed me that I need to make peace with what is, and if I have a hard time doing that, it’s up to me to find a way to solve it. I hope I can inspire, even if it’s just one person, to make peace with the way your relationships have unfolded, or are unfolding, and learn from them. You never know how much time you or someone you know has, so all we can do is learn to make the best of it.

I’m Going To Break His Heart

I’m in a pickle. I have to break someone’s heart and I don’t know how. I don’t want to, but there’s no way to go around it if I want to live my life with honestly and integrity. The last thing I want to do is ignore the guy. Being ghosted by someone you like is such a mind fuck, I might as well tell him the truth.

I’ve known him for several months now, but the last three weeks, we’ve gotten closer… not just emotionally. For anonymity and clarity, we will call him #61. The problem isn’t that I only want to sleep with a guy that I think will lead to marriage. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you probably could have figured that one out. The problem is, continuing this path will be me repeating an old toxic pattern that I refuse to relive.

Four years ago, I was in an on again off again “situationship” that lasted 6 months until I ended things for good. We will call him #20. He wanted to be my boyfriend and I was like… Nah, I’ll pass, but I’m down to keep doing what we’re doing. (I used a different choice of words at the time, but you get the idea.) #20 bent over backwards for me, while I took like one of those kids who pours all the fucking candy in their bag on Halloween when the basket on the doorstep says “Take ONE.” He was so much more invested and I knew it. It felt wrong, so I would end it in a “We can still be friends” way. It wouldn’t take long before we Netflix and chilled, and you can fill in the blank. It ended on good terms, but it still resulted in him moving to a different city the following day.

Not every “situationship” is that way. There’s another guy, #57, who does a lot for me too. He also puts his hands around my neck, and I like it if you catch my drift. Yet, there’s a similar investment and understanding. There’s a mutual satisfaction and expectation. For the record, they’re not just numbers, I genuinely like these people. I just think it’s pretty funny.

#61 is so sweet, caring, and sensitive. He wants nothing more than to love and be loved. I want nothing more than that for both of us, but not with each other. He wants to do things for me, hang out with me, and talk to me all the time. However, we are on totally different pages. If I’m being honest, I am also 99.8% sure that if things continue this way, he will soon start annoying me pretty consistently. I will certainly leave that out when I talk to him later this week.

Not only that, but I feel my brain shifting back to my #20 days when I’d wonder if he could do or help me with x, y, or z, anytime I didn’t feel like doing it myself. This week, I’ve needed a lot of help with transportation, technology and more, but I’ve grown, and intentionally outsourced help elsewhere. I grit my teeth as I read his text the other day saying “If there is anything I can do to help lemme know. The pleasure of helping you always feels good.” I then sighed as I looked up at the sky and thought “Bruh, really?”

I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to take advantage of anyone. I don’t want relationships that are imbalanced, or to have guilt or fear of where things will go. I also hate this feeling of secrecy I have from not having told him how I feel. Is this what a day in the life of Elsa was like before her sister knew her powers?

I want to have people in my life that enhance my wellbeing and vice versa. I want to feel wanted, but want to want them back just the same. I want an equal investment of energy, and I can’t give him that which he deserves just as much.

I know ending things will not be easy. He’s so sensitive, and I know how hurt he will be. Yet, I’m not going to consciously waste my life repeating patterns that don’t serve anyone. I will be honest, empathetic, and do what I can to have him understand and accept the outcome. I would never want to leave him guessing what went wrong, and have him blame himself. Sometimes being honest feels wrong, but it’s always right.

I’m On The Edge

My bare toes grip the ledge of a rocky cliff, on the top of a precipice that goes beyond the clouds. I stare before me at what looks like death, but it’s where life really begins. The edge of comfort.
For the record, that’s where it feels like I am. If you thought I was legitimately staring at death and decided to whip out a notepad to write about it, you probably have been in quarantine so long that you’re seeing out of your left ear. The edge I’m on is one of new epiphanies, opportunities, and transformation. The world is my oyster, and while the possibilities are endless and exciting, the uncertainty of it all creates a pressure to overcome.
With everything going on in the world today, I think it’s safe to say we are we all on the edge. The main difference is how we choose to view it. I’m not here preaching as though I’m levitating on the edge like some chosen one who spent years meditating in the Himalayan mountains. I will say though, that I’ve been on the edge of comfort so many times that I’ve noticed the fear decreases more each time. Fear turns to trust, hope, and excitement. You discover ways to think and cope to help you sail through rough waters with more ease. There is the occasional phone call to my dad freaking out about life, but I have to let it out somewhere, right?
The world collectively is going through a challenging shift, but this is an incredible opportunity the embrace the edge you’re on personally, and trust that your life has an inexplicable way of working itself out. Although it’s more difficult for someone who has a mental illness than a trust fund baby who doesn’t have access to the media, these situations give us all a chance to grow in some way. It could be as simple as finding a podcast that inspires and motivates you.
Success does not mean finding a cure for Coronavirus. Success is improvement on the edge, and you get to decide what that looks like for you. How will you embrace the edge?